A New Year tiptoes in upon cascading snow drifts leaving nothing to mark the passage but a whitewash of the year before. I have never been one to create resolutions, it always felt a bit contrived to me, but somehow this year, I feel the urge to write down goals and desires, to pull to me the life I want to be immersed in. I can sum up all my wants into a simple phrase: I want to grow beauty; in music, in writing, in space, in photography, in every interaction I have. Growth. It feels like I have nurtured the seeds long enough within.
My mind is a bit rusty, my fingers tentative as I write this. I haven't had much of a presence these last two years. At the risk of talking too much of pain and loss, I must confess that my separation and divorce has held me in stasis. I feel as though I have been in survival mode, unable to look ahead, living each day as it comes and finding myself in a creative void. Many people have been where I am, struggling with the loss of love, of dreams, of support, of time with their children. So this is not a poor me post rather an explanation of absence and perhaps a reminder to myself to not feel so guilty about not writing and connecting with the core of my being.
In my other life, I would spend a great deal of time reading, walking and thinking, which was the oxygen to my creative fires. I am required to find a new way, as I now must work to make ends meet, to pay my mortgage and feed my children. Last year I worked two jobs, which meant my days off were few and far between. After a sickness illuminated how destructive that was to my wellbeing, I cut back and indeed flowed yet into another way.
I am fortunate. I have a job at a unique and interesting place (I work at a wildlife rehabilitation centre). My job is flexible and allows me time off when I need it and to create the work hours that work for me. I can ride my bike to work in the summer and in the winter I am never stuck in traffic as it is a short 10 minute drive against traffic flow. I have a house that was filled with all the basic amenities by the generosity of friends, family and even strangers. Through every financial crisis in the last 2 years, the universe always opened a way for me, provided for me and left me intact. I overflow with gratitude for all these gifts of the basic infrastructure of life. It is time now to move beyond infrastructure. It build upon the basics of life. It is time for me to give back.
As the shock of all the severing words, of cruel actions and the crumbling of half of my support system has faded, I finally feel as though I can look past today into the rolling waves of 2015 and find the pathway to the me I want to be in my new life.
I almost wrote "the pathway back to me". Almost. There is no going back. That me is no longer. I am required to create from the ashes of all that was burnt down in the destruction of my old life. And create I will for that is who I am, that is what I do. I am finally ready to create after two years of grieving.
One of my largest goals is simply to write more, which I am starting today. I need to write, to awaken those succulent words within me again. To do this, I am going to take more photos, walk more, find my connection to nature again and let it all flow through the tumbling creekways of my mind and flow out again carrying the taste of my perceptions, my take on the world.
It's time to move forward.
Welcome 2015, I have been keenly anticipating your arrival and now that you are here, you are more sparkling and beautiful than I could have ever imagined. Welcome.