It is remembrance day in Canada, the time to remember old wars and wounds, to remember the price of freedom. The day dawned slowly, manifesting from dreams where music layered through anxiety to create discordant chords and visions in my mind. The light easing me out, as one sloughs off tight clothing at the end of the day. The sigh of relief, equally as heavy. I cannot say that I spend these holidays thinking of what they are meant for, I spent no time contemplating war, nor those that died in the dark trenches. My thoughts did not flicker to images of my grandmother smuggling guns to the resistance, nor of my grandfather hiding in the walls to avoid the death wafting from the concentration camps. I did however remember other losses, and felt the clenching of my heart as I wondered if we ever truly get over our losses, or if we just learn to live with them. Some deaths are harder to take than others, some live within, small embers that flare at the most unexpected times. The first song I ever wrote was about loss...funny to think about that today, as the tears welled in remembrance of that particular one. Haven't thought about it in years, and then in an instant my chest is tight, and my throat thick with sorrow that I thought had flow away long ago. Apparently not. 

Do you run like the wind on plains of time?
Do you bask in the sun of memories?
Do you soar in the sky on wings of love?
Do you sing to the stars my lovely one?

I walked today in the forest beneath the house, while all the little deaths fell before me. Silence my companion through the decadent decay. I watched the sun die today in blazing glory, scattered beauty that streaked out from the towering clouds, in what can only be described as a cry of ecstasy. 

And now all these thoughts bleed together, beauty tinged with sadness, making it all that more poignant. Though I don't really celebrate this forced remembrance by observing a collective moment of silence. Though I don't watch the old pageantry and hear the lonesome bugle song, I suppose in my own way, I have sat in silence and remembered today, sat in silence and marveled, walked with silence and found beauty in death.

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